And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
