Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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