Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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