Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Say something about gay babies.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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