I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
