So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
