I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
