dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
