He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
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