i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
