He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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