Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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