i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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