i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
