If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
either way he was missing a nipple.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Randomize
