...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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