Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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