i always forget guys have bellybuttons
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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