dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
