dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
