I smell stomach acid.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Randomize
