4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
