i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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