Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
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