i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
