dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
