the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize