if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
