Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
