Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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