Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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