I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
