Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
