just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Floor bacon is actually really good
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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