How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize