apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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