I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
