They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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