my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize