Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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