What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
