it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
