i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
