I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Randomize
