omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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