I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
