Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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