Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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