Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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