Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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