I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
