TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
NoShamevember. You game?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
