There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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