The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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