That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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