the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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