I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
