Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
